Jacob Eastman

Jacob: believed to be derived from a name meaning "may God protect"

This post is dedicated to my child, Jacob, who will never feel the pain and suffering of this world. Jacob will only know Heaven and our God.

I found out I was pregnant on Tuesday, August 13. It was one of the best days of my life. I was beaming all day, and remember crying tears of miraculous joy on Phil. We were both so excited, we could not believe we were parents! I prayed daily for my baby's health, soul, and life, but also prayed for God's will to be done and mostly, for me to accept his will-no matter what it was.

I started spotting Friday, August 16 and got very nervous. It continued every time I went to the bathroom and finally on Wednesday, I called my doctor. They sent me in for blood work to get my HCG count and suggested a possible ultrasound. I had a feeling something wasn't right, but didn't feel like I was having a miscarriage. On that day, I believe I accepted the fact that the baby was not going to make it, but hoped it would. My HCG count was 11,000 right on track for how far along I was and scheduled an ultrasound for Friday, the 23rd. The spotting slowed down a lot Thursday and I started to gain more hope that I would see a yolk sac, my baby, and the heart beat on the ultrasound-as that is what is common to be seen at 6 weeks. The ultrasound tech started taking the pictures and when she took pictures of my uterus, there was nothing in it. She told me there was a mass in one of my tubes and is highly suspicious of an ectopic pregnancy. We talked to a nurse, a doctor, had more blood work, and within 2 and a half hours I had received the methotrexate to end the pregnancy. I just wanted to go home. I had been holding in my tears for too long and, though I know the medical staff was working quickly since an ectopic pregnancy is a 'medical emergency', it seemed as if they were taking their time to get everything done.

Once we got home, I was a complete mess. Phil had been such an amazingly strong support, that he was holding it in for me. I asked him to let go and we both cried together over the loss of our child. I told Phil I wanted to name him, I was hoping for a boy and it felt right. He quickly came up with Jacob, told me the meaning, and our baby boy was named.

Last night was probably the most difficult night of my life. I never thought at the age of 25 I would mourn the loss of a child, and the loss of our future. We had already planned how we would tell our parents and siblings; we made videos on the day we found out we were pregnant. We planned on me having a big belly in Hawaii for Christmas. We planned that April 2014 was going to be the first time we would meet our child. Now that is all gone. The future I was so looking forward to can never exist. Yes, we do plan to try to get pregnant again in the future, but this time frame will never be what we hoped it would be.

Today I am feeling hollow, like nothing is affecting me. Phil can get a giggle or small smile out of me, but everything else is just happening around me right now. Phil seems to be doing OK, at the very least he is holding it together for me.

The next steps in this process are many. I have to have blood work twice this coming week to check that my HCG levels have indeed dropped (meaning the pregnancy has stopped growing). If by Thursday my levels have not dropped, I will receive another dose of the methotrexate. I have to have my blood monitored until my HCG count is below 5, which could take a month or 2 or 3 months. The only scary thing we have to watch for is severe stomach pains or shoulder pain, which would mean my tube has burst and I will then need emergency surgery. Obviously we want the medication to work to avoid surgery, so you can be praying for that.

How you can be supportive:
-Allow me to grieve. This will take some time. I imagine this will effect me for years to come, especially around August 23 and April 18-the due date.
-You can absolutely tell us you are sorry for our loss and that you are praying for us.
-Please do not ask when we will try to get pregnant again. We do not know, nor are we in a place to be making that decision right now.
-Pray for our hearts and state of mind.
-Pray for the methotrexate to work quickly so that the number of times I have to get blood work done in and after September is kept to a minimum. We will be losing our insurance August 31, so everything will be out of pocket.
-Please do not be offended if I do not seem interested or 'present'. It is not you. At the current moment, I do not feel interested in anything at all. I feel like I could sit on my couch and stare at the wall all day.
-If you are pregnant or become pregnant in the near future, please PLEASE do not shy away from me. Though it will be difficult at times, I want to be there for you through your pregnancy and rejoice when your baby is born!

Thank you for your prayers, tears, condolences, and support during this time. Phil and I are working together to deal with everything correctly so that we may move on when the time is right.

I'd like to end this post stating that I wish my baby could grow and meet each and every one of you. But, I know that God is in control, He is sovereign, and my boy, Jacob, is with him right now.