91

91
That's how many days are left until Phil and I move to Chicago.
...
...

I never imagined I would be feeling the way I do about leaving.
I don't mind leaving Meridian.
I don't mind leaving my job [though I will miss my kiddos]
I am so excited to live in a new city with so much to offer.
I can't wait to learn more about Phil and myself as we live 1800 miles away from our families.
I am ready to learn more about my God and His will for our lives.
Why am I feeling nervous. anxious. scared. confused. lonely?

The gravity of this life changing decision is finally hitting both Phil and I. I think we were both keeping a strong front for the other, and our real feelings didn't break through until watching one of our favorite shows, The Office. It was Michael's last episode where he is saying goodbye to everyone. It is a silly, sort of sad episode the whole time except for the end. The exchange between Jim and Michael shows a true friendship and how much it hurt both of them that they would not be seeing each other every day anymore. Pam and Michael's scene really hit me hard seeing how much they cared about each other. Throughout those 2 scenes I was holding my tears in, sneaking peeks at Phil to see if he was crying. He was just as close to crying as I was and finally I lost it and laid there hugging Phil. Since then, I have had a few moments where I have come close to losing it again, but have held it in.

I decided I needed to journal my feelings and fears so I can remember what to thank God for after He gets me through each trial stronger and closer to Him.

Here are my fears/hold ups:
-Not being as financially prepared as we had hoped for
-Not knowing where I will be working and as the primary provider while Phil is in school this makes me very nervous
-Leaving our families [1800 miles is far]
-Not being around for family events [birthdays, weddings, vacations, life]
-Leaving amazing friends
-Wondering if we will be able to save money for after school
-Not knowing what to expect...in every area
-And after finishing school; finding a job for Phil, buying a car, finding a new home, and starting a family all in the same year or 2

Here is what I am excited for:
-A new adventure
-A true urban lifestyle
-Being independent
-Making new friends
-Finding a new church family to call home
-Serving in our new church together as a couple and feeling out possible ministry opportunities for our future
-Preparing for the rest of our lives
-Being closer and closer to starting our family
-Having a better idea of where we will serve after school (what type of ministry and where geographically)

I know this is not a coherent list or explanation of what is going on inside my head. I don't think I can make a coherent list; my mind is constantly going and going, from one topic to another, trying to plan one thing and jumping in to plan another.

Yes, I am happy about our change.
Yes, I am excited to move to Chicago.
Yes, I am nervous and anxious at the same time.
Yes, I am counting down the days.
Yes, I will miss you.
Yes, we will try our hardest to come back to visit.
Yes, I am ready, but not completely.